thinking

I heard a preacher talking about kingdom “thinking”. He wanted us to think of everybody who has a covenant with the Lord Jesus Christ as born again children of God. This 70-80 years on earth is time to store up treasures in heaven and find our purpose on earth. We have a way of knowing what the right things are to do and right decisions are to make. We need to listen to that still small voice. Sometimes its easier than others.

Later, I heard one of my adult children talking about changing their thinking. They are downsizing and moving coast to coast. Their whole lifestyle will change based on what they think they want to do with the next part of their lives. It’s going to be great for me since they will be closer but I can see the major changes that are coming their way.

Another one of the adult children is thinking about upsizing to make room for the elder parents and inlaws – apartments and granny huts for everyone. They are considering how to take on the care of their older family members. I tried to tell them not to do it for me. I don’t want to be taken care of. I am not good at that and I don’t have any idea I will get better with age. As one of my old teachers said, “We are more so as we age” – more so- more of who we always were and always will be.

Personally, I am thinking that the old adage, “be thankful for what you have” for my motto for today. I am glad to be in a good place and thinking that I am ready for whatever comes my way. I am facing upheavals in my career with increased recognition and a possible job loss all at the same time. To start a new career at this age is daunting. To continue to support a non-profit with differing visions and values is a conundrum. I can feel myself drifting away from it when October rolls by. When do you stop one thing to start another?

That goes for my sister too. She moved 10 hours away, started a new life and just finished building a new home. Today, I saw she posted some of her furniture that I can remember from 25-30 years. It’s very nice furniture (Bob Timberlake) and I wouldn’t be able to let it go because it’s full of memories. She is selling it to buy new furniture for a new home that suits her better. She is much braver than me.

They have figured all of this out and are willing to take chances to step into their future. I am really proud of them. Do you know why? They don’t struggle with indecisiveness like I do. I think it’s fear based on a pattern or history of wanting whatever you give up. I still wish we hadn’t sold the 1973 Green Buick Apollo, the 1994 custom built victorian on Whispering Pines in the culdesac, and I could name 100 more things I miss- like my 2004 Nissan Pathfinder- white pearl with 275,000 miles that couldn’t pass a state emissions inspection that is no longer required. Now, I really wish I had it back. That was the perfect car/truck. They don’t make them like that anymore. They never make what you like best again- your favorite lipstick color goes out of style, your favorite places go out of business, the places you remember change when you aren’t looking-nothing good or bad lasts forever.

It’s a case of that old song, Old Hippie. by The Bellamy Brothers.

Cause he’s an old hippie
And he don’t know what to do
Should he hang on to the old
Should he grab on to the new?

What is waiting for you when you let go? It’s living life like a child with a cookie in each hand. You only have one mouth to take a nibble from one cookie at a time. It’s a childhood fear of lack, I guess. It’s a kin to hoarding, only its not obvious to the casual observer. You only have your memories- not a room full of visual mementoes.

They all are able to make the changes that I cannot face right now. I like the familiar more and more. I guess I changed. I know I am colder than I used to be. I must just think differently. Or it is more likely that I have a bad case of PTSD from doing all of these things that I see them doing now, so many times in my life already. I just can’t face it one more time unless I am REALLY sure it’s the right thing to do. Then, on to the next thing, right?