In your hands

A friend called to tell me about an epiphany she had after spending a frustrating morning with her 16 yr old daughter.  As the story started out, I thought, well this is just classic teenage girl stuff. We have all been there.

There were a couple of stories within the story. Let me try to repeat them to you and see if you find the gem of wisdom that helped her and that she shared with me for my “teen” thinking.

Let’s call her Tonya. She accepted the smoothie that her mom hand mixed and delivered to her door to waken her and provide sustenance while she is getting ready. Then, about 15 minutes later, she is yelling from upstairs, ” I can’t find anything to wear”. That’s shorthand for “Oh woe is me, I can’t make a decision”. She calls for her mom to come help. Mom looks around at 100 items and says, “just pick something, you have plenty to wear”.  Moaning and groaning, Tonya says something dramatic like,  “You won’t ever help me”. “I just can’t do this, I can’t go on like this.”

Mom asks, “Are you going to pull yourself together and go to school today or are you getting back in bed”. We can’t let your inability to decide what to wear cause everyone in the house to be late.

Tonya screams and cries some more. “I hate it here”, Mom- well you better do really well in school so you can decide where you want to be and what you want to do and who you want to love- so you can get out of here as soon as you graduate.

Mom leaves room and finds the 12 yr old is still in bed. She calls her up and tells everyone that the car is leaving the driveway in 15 minutes- with or without them all. Mom is all “spun up” and anxious, upset, worried, confused, feeling out of sorts and helpless to know what caused this contretemps in a teapot this morning.  She goes out to the car and finds the 12 yr old, Donna, working feverishly on her homework- yes, she must have stayed up watching TV when she was supposed to be doing homework. Tonya plops in the car unceremoniously, wearing the usual shirt and jeans.  Unfortunately, mom is still upset from the exchange of words.

She screeches out of the driveway at 60 mph and flies down the 1/2 mile neighborhood road, flinging Donna’s homework papers sideways and scaring Tonya into yelling- “Stop going so fast, you are going to kill us all.” Mom comes to a complete stop at the next corner and creeps forward, passive aggressively saying, “Is this slow enough for you?” Then, Tonya is yelling, “Don’t you remember that other lady who killed herself when her car ran into that tree over there?” Mom says, “Yes, I do”, but you don’t understand why. She was drunk. Tonya says, “Well, you are angry and acting just like you could do the same thing”. Mom, “there is more to the other story and you might need to hear about it.” The lady was drinking heavily because she couldn’t make a choice. She had two men who loved her and she didn’t want to choose, so she drank to avoid making a decision.  Everyone has choices- small ones like what to wear and bigger ones like who to love.

Mom said to Tonya as she drove away in her usual careful manner- “When you pointed out what I was doing wrong, I apologized and stopped”

Mom to herself…..epiphany that she shared with me this morning.

She has been taking Tonya a smoothie to drink in the morning and waking her up with it- because Tonya doesn’t eat all day and she felt she needed something in her stomach to get going in the morning. She has been bending over backwards to do everything for her to help her be successful. This morning, she realized-

She has been placing everything in her hand and she hasn’t had to work for it.  By giving her everything, she expects it. She expects to be waited on and to have everything come to her easy. She has heard her ponder – after getting camper of the year- how did she do all that stuff? Well, she did all those things for one week, to impress people she doesn’t know and who don’t care about her. And the rest of the year, the people who love her and would lay down their life for her are treated poorly because they can’t do enough to please her.

And, her epiphany for me.  You will twirl around in confusion and be unfulfilled until you make a choice- about where your life’s work is supposed to be completed. I am not caught between the “WHO”, but the “WHERE”.  It’s the same bad feeling, of having two good choices and loving them both, but we only have one life.

Teenagers aren’t the only ones who need to see everything that has been placed in their hands to “get a grip”.  We all have to make choices. Only at the end, will we see the pattern of the path we chose.