beloved
Have you heard the pastor say, “Beloved, we are gathered here today, to…”. Or have you heard “she was my beloved pet”? Or picked up a Hallmark sympathy card for the departed “Beloved”? Or who has been “beloved”?
Beloved is defined as dearly loved : dear to the heart . The synomyms are darling, cherished, dear, fair-haired, favored, favorite, fond, loved, pet, precious, special, sweet, white-headed.
Well, I get this. I have used several of these terms for those nearest and dearest to me. I am especially fond of using darling, dear, pet, sweet and special. Everyone who is my “favorite” knows it!! So, what prompted a closer look at “beloved”. I thought it might be a verb. It’s not. It is a noun or “state of being”. But if you think about it, ” be loved” is a verb, when it is separated into its core parts.
“All is fair in love and war” traces back to John Lyly’s ‘Euphues’ (1578) a Renaissance poet’s quote “The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war”. Have you heard “There is the loved and the lover”? These “old sayings” remind us that things are not always fair and not always equal.
Find out where you sit on the continuum. Are you the loved or the lover? Take the test in Psychologies magazine at http://www.psychologies.co.uk/tests/are-you-the-lover-or-the-loved.html . Then, you can take the test on the same page…”Do you know how to be happy?” These two insights could change your point of reference. Get ready for a surprise! I had no idea…..
The loved
For you, love is a question of freedom: no relationship would be possible unless both people felt they were in charge of their own lives. And falling in love is like going on an adventure that will help you develop as a person. You feel that love should set you free rather than tie you down, and be something that stimulates you rather than makes you complacent.
Which would you rather be? The object of affection or the active distributor of affectionate actions? One is passive while the other is active. One just has to “be” while the other “loves”. Is this a French concept? Is this a new idea? What does it look like? How does it feel? Can you experience both at once? Probably, but it would probably be divided out in wholly separate relationships with different people.
Is it “unrequited love” when the “beloved” does not respond to the “lover”. Is it the favored place to be the “loved” or the “lover”? It is a responsibility and a reward to have trusted friends who allow me to see what position their hearts are in and have a tendency to settle in, over the years. I have a few life time examples. No, no, no….not “Lifetime” the TV channel, but real people who have been part of my life.
1. Take a look at all your never married friends. Have they spent more of their lives in the “lover” role vs the “loved” role? When I take a look at mine, I see a fascinating pattern. They have been fortunate to be both the loved and lover. However, they didn’t want to be “loved” and seem to thrive on being the “lover” who never obtains the “object de affection”. It is an enjoyable state for several. They have told me that they like the thrill of the “chase”. They enjoy the “feeling” of having a love interest. They like watching the reactions to their actions. They like living on the edge of “having” but not really wanting to risk disappointment to “have and to hold”. It is easy to be the lover as long as you have a fantasy just beyond your reach. They are waiting for this overwhelming swirl of mutual emotion where they interchange places at a dizzying pace. So, barring this kind of exchange of being the “loved” with being the “lover”, they wait and carry out their role with a wondering look in their eye and a soul for otherworldly things. Yep, most of them are men and they don’t want to think about anything we are considering!
2. Have you had friends in unhappy marriages? They expected something else. They haven’t figured out how to have something else. They prefer being unhappy with someone rather than being just as unhappy alone. Who was the original “loved” and “lover”? Did they wake up one day and decide it wasn’t “fair” or “equal”. Did they want to trade places? Did they have the gumption to talk or just gloss over it all?
3. Have you had friends who got along like “peas and carrots”? They know their place in the relationship and agreed that is was a perfect blending of their natural and most desirable attributes and tendencies. Although they may predominantly be the beloved or be loving, the key is appreciating “it takes two”. How can anyone actually bask in either position without a co-creater?
The Righteous Brothers sang about that “Loving Feeling”. I would like to interview Bill Medley. Notice the depth he demonstrates in his transition of “love” in his music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iryTGZ9g6X4&feature=related
Creating that “loving feeling”, using those terms of endearment to reinforce that “love” is at the heart of their exchange. Real love is based on the biblical translation of 1st Corinthians 13:4. Love is patient and kind. Love knows neither envy nor jealousy. Love is not forward and self-assertive, nor boastful and conceited.
Real love recognizes and embraces. It is kind and patient. It is generous and humble. It is capable of combining the two parts— loving and being loved– into one enjoyable experience.
And, it’s probably not a good idea to explore this concept with your man. If he is like most, he will listen patiently and then his eyes will glaze over and he will say, “that’s too much…it makes me tired”. Therefore, this is an unconscious and unspoken agreement that suits both the loved and lover. There is benevolence and kindness, acceptance and agreement. There is a peaceful easy feeling when each person is happy and satisfied with things “just the way they are”, no matter what that actually looks like to the rest of us! Bask in your belovedness.