ambitious

Someone told me, “You are always running behind”. Hmm…what did they really mean? They felt that I didn’t have time for them, because it seemed that I always had too many other things that were pressing and I could never seem to catch up. They were waiting for a better time.

That gave me pause to consider. I told her, “Don’t wait, get in the line with all the other things that are going on, there is always room for you”. She asked me, “Will you ever slow down?”

That made me wonder. Why am I so busy? Why am I running and juggling 10 things at once? Somehow, I keep them all moving forward, but at what price? Am I ambitious? Do I expect too much of myself?

Yes.  If the full facts were known, I am running ahead- not behind. I am running way ahead of what others expect from me or themselves.

You must pay the price if you expect the blessing. ( Andrew Jackson)

Maybe, its that eldest child syndrome, the German work ethic, my mother’s voice echoing in my head, ” you must get all the work done before you can go play” or my temperament? What if the stars have lined up to give me all these opportunities at once? How can I not do, what I can do?

To whom much is given, much is required. Luke 12:48 paraphrased

I am 2 steps ahead, since most things managed by friends seem like incidentals- doing the bills, grocery shopping, housework, car maintenance, laundry, etc. Those things are just “givens” , that somehow get done almost unconsciously on the way to something that hits the priority list.

Is this restless energy or driving passion?  Why am I so driven to accomplish things?

It’s not money or fame or even personal pleasure. Right now, I am very tired and facing a 4 hour drive today and a 7 hour drive tomorrow to get to a 14 hour day of work. Ambitious? It’s way too much travel in unpredictable weather, to be enjoyable.

It’s these kinds of logistics that interrupt my flow and freeze my productivity. Puzzling over dog sitter arrangements and the weather, what the traffic will be like and what the dogs will think puts me in total shut down for getting things done. It interrupts my sleep. It’s counterproductive. It’s stressful, but its just another day, I guess. Keep moving!!!

Without ambition one starts nothing. Without work, one finishes nothing. The prize will not be sent to you. You have to win it. The man who knows how will always have a job. The man who also knows why will always be his boss. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)